


Mockingbird Street

by morai_thoughts



Category: A Song of Ice and Fire - George R. R. Martin, Game of Thrones (TV)
Genre: Coffee Shops, F/M, First Person, Fluff, Jealousy, Modern AU, Mutual Pining, Petyr is confused, Sansa only wants to be happy, Secret Affair, Secrets, a bit of angst, but they're a mess, translated from my work
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-01-27
Updated: 2021-01-27
Packaged: 2021-03-13 03:00:16
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 15,711
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29021604
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/morai_thoughts/pseuds/morai_thoughts
Summary: Sansa always had a secret interest in Petyr, although she has never had the courage to tell him. On her birthday she decides to confess her feelings, but not everything turns out as she expected.This is a translation from one of my works 'La calle del Sinsonte'.
Relationships: Petyr Baelish/Sansa Stark
Comments: 2
Kudos: 22





	Mockingbird Street

**Author's Note:**

> This is what happens when I listen to a lot of Taylor Swift.

I still remember the afternoon I wanted to tell you about it. I spent the whole day with a silly smile that even a strange woman gave me a funny look in the subway. It's pretty curious, actually, how one little thought can change your day so radically.

I didn't want a big party, but you know how my mother is. She doesn't take no for an answer.

When I walked through the door of my parents' house I felt as if time had stopped. Every wall frame, every carpet, the light in the living room... The only thing different in that house was me. I guess turning a birthday is something very similar, the mind stays frozen but your body keeps moving forward without your permission. 

I won’t lie to you, it was special to see the family again. So many years of university and hard work in the capital take their toll. Little" Rickon was the first to welcome me with a big hug. It's funny how I didn't recognize him until we parted and I saw those dimples and brown eyes smiling at me. Bran was next and soon Arya and Gendry joined in. I don't exactly remember very well what happened next, I know Jon and Robb arrived with my father and my mother brought us into the dining room. 

It's all very blurry, I can't tell what happened next. 

I remember the conversation with my mother. 

_How are you, honey? How was the trip? Very good, Mom, no problem. You look very thin, yesterday I had some stew leftover from lunch, do you want some? Thank you very much, but I'm fine. Well, if you insist._

While we waited for the rest of the guests, Robb secretly passed a gold dragon to Jon for losing a bet. I laughed when I discovered that it was because Robb thought that Arya wouldn't dare to bring Gendry. 

Apart from my family, more guests came. I remember Edmure and his wife, Talisa, and Ygritte. Robert and Uncle Brynden were late. “We brought reinforcements.” They announced leaving more ice, soft drinks, and bottles of alcohol on the kitchen counter. 

And after the calm, the storm came.

I’ve always wondered about the moment I would see you again. What I’d be wearing, what would I say to you, if you were happy to see me, after all this time... Sometimes it is better to live in ignorance than to see your illusions fall to pieces before your very eyes. 

Her name was Myranda, you said. I remember her arm wrapped around yours, how you introduced her to everyone, and the meaning between the lines of what that implied. I don't know how I did it, but from among the little pieces of my heart that still hadn't fallen apart, I managed to pull myself together and be the perfect hostess everyone expected. 

I couldn't look you in the face, I admit it, but what are you supposed to do in this situation? 

I just wanted to be alone. Running away from that house, running away from the shame of the delusional girl I was because I wanted things to be the way fantasized. If you love someone you let them go, right? That's what they say. 

I don't remember when you left with... well, you know. With her. I know you were talking to my mother and Edmure, but I hardly remember anything else. 

So I let you go that night and I kept to the wine, with Robb, Jon, Arya, and Gendry. With Rickon's jokes and Uncle Brynden's anecdotes. The laughter and the warm family atmosphere were the right balms, and for a moment, just one, I could pretend you didn't exist. 

  
  


***

I must confess. Not everything was so simple.

I may have cried, I may have felt lost for several days and confused about my own feelings. The return to routine helped a little. Thanks for the birthday messages, I know I didn't respond for reasons that will now prove to be stupid. I must confess that I behaved like a child and for that, I apologize, but after so many nights of meditation concluded that I do not regret what I felt that day. or do I regret what I did feel afterward. 

They say you find a new love when you least expect it, and I guess that's what happened. 

His name was Harry, I'm sure you remember him.

***

At first, I thought nothing would happen. Your ghost haunted me every day, in every detail that reminded me of you. A mint, a blazer, a wool sweater, a black car... The list is endless. That's why I didn't expect to have what I had with Harry.

I will not lie, I found in Harry a partner willing to listen to me and share moments with me. I know he wanted something more, he still does. That night of drinks when Margaery introduced me to him I decided to move on and see what came out of this unexpected encounter. We were always friends from that day on, but something changed when we met again. 

Some call it a crush, but the truth is that I needed someone to talk to and he never denied me his company. What began as friendship continued with several surprise visits after work, dates in coffee shops, walks in the park, and kisses hidden in the darkness of a movie theater. 

Sounds very cliché, now that I think about it. Although at the time it didn't matter, because I was happy and the loving, innocent smile Harry always reserved for me will be a precious treasure I will always cherish. 

Excuse me, I need to stop for a minute. I'm still looking for the right words to continue whatever it is I'm trying to tell you. 

All right, here I go.

There came a time when I thought it was all over. The leading lady in the film finally fell in love and after months of relationship, her partner asked her to move in with him. Then they get married and live happily ever after, right?

If it had been that way I wouldn't be writing this. 

***

The day started off badly. 

The alarm clock didn't go off when it was supposed to. Luckily, Harry took pity on me and woke me up with breakfast ready on the table. It's the luck of living with someone who works from home, as strange as that may be sometimes.

I think you already know. Harry is, well, I've told my parents that he's an entrepreneur and has an online video game shop. They are already shocked by the lie, imagine when they find out that he is a _video game_ _streamer_.

It's true, I shouldn't stigmatize that kind of work, the world is moving forward and we shouldn't be left behind. And the truth is that Harry is a genius, I won't deny it. Between the video game streams, the professional competitions (it's amazing how much money these things move), the sponsors and organizing their social networks my _roommate's_ schedule is always full.

Seriously Petyr, it's a real job. Stop laughing, I know you.

I left home quickly and managed to get to the meeting on time, although I was a little late. I guess you remember, you were there. The universe only wanted to see me suffer that day.

Our eyes met from opposite sides of the room and I knew that thing I thought I had overcome, was just sleeping patiently waiting to wake up. Maybe if I had arrived earlier I could have made some excuse, anything to not to be in the same room with you.

I don't remember what was discussed at the meeting, but I do remember your looks. How you cleared up your voice before you charmed the whole room with your little speech, because damn you Petyr, you've always been very good at your job.

During the break I was the first one to leave. I tried to pull myself together in the bathroom sink, looking at my reflection, repeating over and over again that I wasn't the same little girl I was before. That I had a new life and you were just another acquaintance.

When I opened the door you were waiting in the corridor.

***

  
  


I promised myself not to fall, that it would just be a friendly chat. I had to go home, help Harry with dinner, call my parents and continue my life as if there was not a hurricane about to blow up in my head because of your mere presence.

The wine didn't help clear my head, but it did help calm my nerves. Your choice as always was exquisite. The conversation was innocuous most of the time, but it didn't manage to hide the strange atmosphere from which even you were not able to escape. At least in the beginning.

I like to think that you were as nervous as I was when you first saw me enter the office. If you were really waiting for me, as you told me in that little café, or if it was fate playing with us.

Once we got past the topics of how the family was doing and how I was getting on in my new job, you leaned forward with your elbows on the table. “Shall we take a walk?” Your eyes were shining, green exactly as I remembered them, and I couldn't refuse. You looked at me and extended your arm. I accepted it and soon we were raffling through the streets of King’s Landing, side by side.

Being so close to you after so long without seeing you was strange. You didn't change your cologne, your warmth was familiar, but your scarf and coat were new. It's funny the small details you notice when you're nervous.

I couldn't ask. There were a couple of moments when I was about to. I know that at that moment it didn't matter, because I was with Harry, but more than once I tried to look at you and see if there was any trace of... her. Some sign that said there was nothing to be done and that this chapter of my life was truly over.

In the end, the day came to an end sooner than expected. My cell phone vibrated announcing a call from Harry. I accepted pressing the button and looked away. After assuring him that I was a little late at work, I hung up.

“Is everything OK?” You asked innocently. But no, nothing was all right. Because this afternoon shouldn't have been as pleasant as it was. Because for a moment, I got carried away in something that couldn't be possible, right?

I'm beating around the bush. Let me continue.

“It was Harry, he wants to know when I'm coming home to make dinner,” I explained briefly, but the meaning was clear. Home, dinner, together, same house, same space, same bed. I don't know what kind of reaction I was expecting, but if it meant something like that birthday where I saw you with Miranda, you hid it well.

Okay, you're right. I promised not to talk about it anymore, my bad. 

You called a taxi to take me home. You said that after today I deserved to skip the trip on public transport. I agreed in exchange for paying my share of the journey.

A few minutes later the taxi stopped at my destination, I got out, and when I went to pay I saw your mocking smile and how you put away your wallet quickly. I had no choice but to accept.

“I rented a small flat, in _Mockingbird street_ ,” you said casually as you rolled down the window. “I hope to see you again, Sansa Stark.”

And silly me, I replied that I wanted too.

***

You said you only wanted to help. I'm sure you remember what I’m referring to.

I mentioned it in passing at work, but you insisted. Harry and I were going to be four months together, and even though it was a small milestone I wanted to do something special for both of us. But of course, _small_ doesn't exist in Petyr Baelish's vocabulary.

Wait a minute.

Stop being a pervert Petyr, I'm trying to tell a story.

Okay, here I go.

After saying _no way_ to hundreds of ideas, each one crazier than the last, you convinced me to invite him to dinner. I was looking at restaurants and mentally reviewing every conversation I had with Harry, looking for some detail that might give me a clue as to what else to prepare, but all I could think about was the stupid leather jacket you wore to the meeting that day.

I hate you. You looked so good.

Harry was working doing streams, and he was constantly complaining about how his headset’s microphone didn’t work anymore. Well, noted. New headphones and a romantic dinner.

The last step was not so easy to achieve.

  
  


As you well know, I told you how I don't get along very well with the kitchen. My parents or Harry always took charge of cooking, for the simple reason that if I take over we may all end up in the hospital.

But of course, that's where you come in. Confident and victorious, offering your culinary knowledge to an innocent soul. I should have known at that moment what was about to be cooked in your flat was actually a bad idea.

You see Petyr, I can make bad jokes too.

And that's how I got to the downtown area of King's Landing, to _Mockingbird street_ with my notebook and a pen, ready to write down every magic trick that would help me not to set fire to my kitchen.

***

“It is an easy and simple recipe. In fact, the foie and port will give it a sophisticated touch,” You explained, and with a flourish, you opened the fridge. “I bought everything we need this morning, does Harry like fish?”

“Yeah, Harry likes everything, he’s not picky, what do you have in mind?” I asked, taking a sip from my glass of Arbor. I had been sitting on the kitchen island the whole time admiring your flat. The kitchen was wide, with windows and big cupboards like the rest of the space. Everything was diaphanous mixed with a minimalist touch. The charcoal grey, earthy and white tones of the living room gave a cozy touch that strangely fitted perfectly with you.

I remember that as soon as I entered you gave me a little tour and pointed out very proudly that the cactus next to the balcony window had bloomed. Who would have thought that the ruthless businessman Petyr Baelish was a passionate botanist.

“ _Fussili_ with _foie_ _gras_ and port sauce, and for our second course we have tuna _tataki_.”

“Sounds very posh, although I'm not surprised coming from you,” you shrugged your shoulders and left the container with the marinated tuna filet on the counter next to the pasta.

“The goal of all this is to cook dishes that even a newbie like you is capable of making and give them a classy touch.”

“I'm flattered how you think I'm capable of doing all this. At least I won't spoil dessert, I think I'm capable of serving ice cream in two glasses,” a little smile peeked on your lips, but you hid it well between pots and pans.

“I trust you, don't let me down. I hope you are as good as you are at drinking wine, although if I were you I would go a little slower, is that your second glass?”

“Maybe,” I shyly admitted bringing the rim of the glass back to my lips. Then you came closer, it was so fast that I didn't even hear the sirens warning me of your proximity. I held my breath when you took the cup from my hand and left it at a safe distance from my reach.

But that wasn't all, was it? Your hands wrapped mine in a warm embrace, “You have very cold hands.” You said, posing a kiss on one of the backs, and I blushed. For a moment I didn't think about Harry, or Myranda, or work, or the millions of excuses I used to convince myself that I shouldn't be here.

The little spell passed and soon you were at work, giving me orders and indications of how I had to put the pasta to cook. When the water started to boil I added the salt just as you had told me and I saw how the bubbles grew. “Perfect, add the pasta. Now we have to wait a bit, but in the meantime, I’ll put the pan on the fire for it to gain temperature. I've taken out the block of foie gras and the port so that you can make the sauce with the mixer.”

In the end, it was all quite easy, as you said. Except for a couple of moments when I thought I was going to lose a finger with a blender blade. Once the sauce was made, you showed me how to cut the chives to decorate the top and _voilà_ , the first course was finished. The smell of toasted sesame and the hissing of the pan when you put the tuna fillet on the fire was the next thing I remember.

“You have to seal it and see that each side is well marked. It takes a few minutes per side for the center to get juicy. It's done very quickly, but you have to be careful.” And careful I was, watching with my five senses all your movements and ease in the kitchen.

Feeling brave, I approached the fire and wiped with a kitchen cloth a small drop of sweat that came down your forehead. You were so concentrated on cutting the tuna and methodically placing each piece on the tray that I thought it would bother you. It didn't bother you.

“Thank you,” you said smiling and kissed my forehead.

_What are you playing at?_ I thought, with that captivating smile and your sweet words, but I'd be lying if I said I didn't like having your attention.

Together we brought the little feast to the table, and by the Seven, it had been a long time since I tasted anything so delicious. The pasta, the wine, the tuna, your warm voice, everything was a tempting cocktail that I drank in one gulp.

***

It was the beginning of September, but October arrived with torrential rain. A perfect excuse to stay a little longer, to abuse your hospitality you joked. Only one more hour, I thought, but then you brought a tray of hot coffee and more gossip from the office.

At some point in the afternoon, my phone must have vibrated with thousands of messages from Margaery or Harry saying that he had arrived at his parents' house safely. That everything was fine and I didn't have to worry.

I didn't ask why you sat next to me on the sofa when you came back from the bathroom. Nor did I back down when I laid my head on your shoulder, feeling your chest rise when you took a deep breath. At that moment I understood that the glass barrier I lifted up between us since my birthday was an illusion.

I acted on instinct almost, bringing my face closer to yours until our lips met. I remember starting the kiss and how you gave it back to me with a mint tinge in your mouth. How my mind went blank when you laid me down on the sofa and continued to assault my neck.

Soon your pullover came out of your head, followed by your shirt and it was your skin against mine. There were few barriers left for us to cross and that evening we crossed them all.

***

I woke up late in your bed. The clock struck midnight. I looked for you with my hands, but I found an empty hole and the ghost of your warmth. I turned around on the other side of the bed breathing your pillow and with it the trace of your cologne.

When I got up from the mattress, the consequences of what had just happened fell on me like a cold jet of water. I quickly rolled a blanket over my shoulders and went into the living room to get my phone. When I found the device I cursed softly, seeing how the battery died. 

“Everything OK?” You asked from the bedroom’s door frame. My cheeks turned pink again remembering everything that had just happened between us.

“Harry must have called me a thousand times this afternoon and I didn't pick up,” I explained by raising my phone to you. Still wrapped in the blanket, I crossed the space barefoot to the living room’s armchair and dropped into it. “Petyr, I screwed up. There's no way I can fix all this.”

“Well, tell him the truth,” you simply said sitting next to me.

“I can't, Petyr.”

“Yes, you can,” you insisted.

“No!” I exclaimed. “We were supposed to go to his parents' house for a few days after the anniversary. Now I've ruined everything!”

What was I supposed to do? Go there and pretend nothing happened? That would have been the obvious choice, but I didn't want to have an _affair_. The problem was that all the feelings from the past had come back in a hurricane and I wasn't sure anymore what I really wanted.

“Sansa, come here,” your arms wrapped around my frame. “Believe me when I say that the last thing I wanted today was to see you like this,” your thumb wiped a tear from my cheek.

“I think it's best that I sleep in the living room. You can stay in the bedroom.” You assured me, seeing the doubt in my eyes.

“Petyr, there's no need…”

“Sansa, I don't know if this is a good idea,” and then I kissed you, silencing your words. All the tickling, all the emotions I felt when I touched your lips came back, awakening the heat in my stomach. Your hands traveled to my waist and squeezed hard when you got lost in the kiss. After a few seconds, we parted.

“Don't leave me alone.”

***

I didn't think I was capable of it. To fake the smiles, the good mornings, the "how much I missed you, my love". But there I was, at his parents' house, pretending everything was fine. The kisses were the worst. I think Harry realized that something was wrong, but he didn't mention anything during the trip.

My parents didn't help either. When I told them I was visiting Harry's house, I got a flood of messages from them saying how much they wanted to meet Harry and how proud they were of me. I didn't turn off my phone and throw it over a cliff in the Vale because I had a good day, but the urge persisted with me throughout my visit.

I kept the kisses short and affectionate because, although it pains me to admit it, all those feelings I had for Harry were still there, merged with the thousand layers of my being. It wasn't difficult to act like the old Sansa, because I was still here, because I remember her as she was.

There was a tense moment when Harry's mother came up to me and pinched my cheek lovingly, exclaiming proudly. “ Oh my, you’re so beautiful, what beautiful grandchildren we're going to have!”

I looked at Harry looking for an explanation of what had just happened, but all I got from him was a shrug and a slight blush.

To make matters worse I couldn't make the dinner.

The day of the anniversary finally arrived, but I was unable to set foot in the kitchen. I ended up ordering takeaway from Harry's favorite restaurant.

The pans, the pasta, even the notebook I took with me reminded me of you and the truth that I couldn’t confess.

I read all the messages you sent, by the way. I admit that I avoided your calls, but I read all the messages.

To top it all off, your work project was going so well that my boss didn’t hesitate to organize another meeting with your team. Lucky me.

***

Lucky me that after many weeks I can’t stop. May the spell of your kisses never let me go back. The lie I was living had accepted me and I had accepted her, without questions or hesitations. The excuses sounded true on my lips whenever I said I had to go on a business trip, or when I came home late to meet up with friends from work.

It wasn't fair, I knew. But it wasn't fair either how well you were doing with all this deception. Part of me believes that it was what you enjoyed most. Stealing me from under the nose of someone else, younger, stronger than you, but not smarter.

I never asked you about Myranda, at least not at first. From time to time I thought that I could distinguish glimpses of her shadow, but I believe it was my imagination because I never heard her name coming from your lips.

Maybe that's why I got carried away. Maybe that's why I called you in the middle of the day and invited you up to the apartment. Mockingbird Street was a short ten-minute drive. Harry had gone out with his friends and wouldn't be back until late, which gave us plenty of room to maneuver. 

I heard the doorbell and I knew it was you. Your hands assaulted me as soon as I crossed the entrance. I closed the door quickly and scolded you for your impatience. You laughed, bringing me closer to you until our lips met.

I directed you as best I could towards the bedroom, considering that I was more concerned with exploring your body and listening to your moans than the direction my feet were taking.

Seeing you by my side was already familiar. Your dark hair was ruffled with those curls you always try to straighten. I studied your freckles and the moles on your neck. That day you had trimmed your little beard and I found you a little more irresistible.

After so many turns I ended up on top of you, taking the helm of our movements. Your hands were everywhere, going up, down, around my waist, grabbing the flesh of my buttocks.

I wanted to stop this moment and keep it forever. So that I could remember how the caresses of your voice carried me higher and higher. How I felt lighter when I reached that peak and you guided me in every step. How you didn't stop and continued kissing me on every plane of my body, memorizing every climb and descent of skin and muscle to that wet paradise.

My name always sounded sweeter when you said it.

***

  
  


You asked me to leave him, to come and live with you. I wouldn't have to keep hiding all of this any longer and we would be free. It was hard watching you leave not knowing when our next escapade would be. 

I wanted to do it, I really did. I was waiting for the right moment to tell Harry, but I never could. There was always an excuse, a reason why I was convinced that I still couldn't.

I know it bothered you. You told me that if you really meant something to me I would stop treating you like a distraction. It was hard to hear your words, but when I saw the way it affected you, I knew that it was the jealousy talking and not you.

“Petyr, you are not a distraction.”

“Then why do you keep doing this?” You demanded opening your arms. “I don't know about you Sansa, but I'm serious. I'm not playing games.”

“I can't tell him yet, it's going to be his birthday,” I can't tell him now. Harry would hate me for life, and although losing him as a couple was not a priority, losing him as a friend would be something I would never be able to forgive myself. 

“What about you then? don't you care about being with him pretending that everything is fine when it's not true?” Your somber tone made me step away from you a little. Your muscles tensed and you covered your face apologizing quickly.

I felt tears welling up in my eyes and asked you to leave. You apologized, but it was too late and Harry would be back soon. The last thing I wanted was for him to find out this way. Your words hurt with the truth, and it's true, I had to stop lying and make you feel used, but weren't you using me too? Since when had the game of flirting with me and embarking on this adventure become something you really cared about? Because you cared about me, didn't you?

I want to believe that you did.

You immediately put on your jacket and left the flat without a trace. A deafening silence filled the room. I curled up on the sofa with a blanket and began to cry.

***

When I can't sleep I like to look at the moon. Before I was with Harry I lived in a place outside King’s Landing and had a small garden where I would sit and listen to the sea under the stars when the weather is nice.

The best nights were when I missed my family. I'd put the radio on with the first music station I could find, I’d get a thermo with my favorite hot tea and pull out a chair on the porch to look at the sky. The same sky they were under, although one with different shapes in the clouds.

I was about to buy a telescope, but I met Harry and well... I never had the chance. I moved into the apartment and then there was no chance for more stars or a telescope.

That night, the night you left me alone in the apartment. That night I wanted to look at the moon.

The tears dried up quickly. I don't know when or how I did it, but I wiped my face and put on the first cardigan and sweatpants I could find. With a thermo and a small backpack, I left my house and started the car driving to the beach.

A sea of stars greeted me with a crescent moon and I knew everything would be fine.

  
  


***

The next day I didn't see you at work. I thought you were going to the meeting, but one of your colleagues said you were out of town. Part of me thought that was fine, since it would give me more time to get my head together, but the other part of me missed you.

Harry had a busy day with a video game competition, so after work, I went to see him. Before that, I stopped at the little _café_ we met. You may find it ironic now, but the more I wanted to avoid you, the more I looked for you.

Harry and his team were in the middle of a game when I arrived at the venue. It took me a while to find him, but I recognized several of his friends and they showed me where to go. The event lasted a while, and every time I looked down at my phone I found my fingers drifting to your profile picture.

The cheers of the audience diverted my attention towards the center of the pavilion. Harry's game just finished and the score indicated that they had won. A small smile appeared on my lips when Harry looked at the stands and waved to me. Several fans approached him asking for an autograph or a photo, but soon two security guards arrived telling people to clear the way.

The voices of the commentators invaded the Arena announcing that the final would be next Sunday, but the following details escaped me because I saw a notification shining on my screen. It was your message saying that you would be back in a few days if everything went well in Braavos.

You'll be happy to know that that was the moment I made the decision.

I don't understand why I bothered if everything went downhill from there.

***

At some point in my past lives, I must have made the gods, both new and old, quite angry. They must have been so angry that they left me blind and sentenced me to carry a boulder up on a mountain, only to drop it when I reached the top. This is how I felt after one night in April, completely defeated in my brother Robb's house.

It all started when I came home from work a few days after Harry's competition. I didn't tell him about us, but I told him that I wasn't comfortable with him. That the visit to his parents' house made me realize that maybe he wanted something that I didn't.

Harry told me he noticed me acting a bit strange lately, but he didn't' t understand exactly what was happening to me. He promised me that he wouldn't make me do anything I didn't want to do, and he was soon turning around all the excuses I made.

After long minutes of argument, I raised my voice a little too high and said it, I told him everything. I told him how we met, how I didn’t want to at first but I didn’t back down when I started kissing that day in your kitchen. I didn't get to mention the rest of the times or the time when we did it in our bedroom bed the night Harry was out with his friends.

Harry brought his hands to cover his face, walking around the room relentlessly. His muscles tensed up, holding his breath. A million emotions passed through his face before he took a deep breath and opened his mouth.

“Now what?”

***

That night Harry went to sleep on the couch. I was left alone in the bedroom, curled up like a ball in the direction of the window. Praying over and over again that I didn't do something stupid. I didn't know if Harry and I were going to work it out, but for the moment we decided it was best to take some time.

It was more than I thought I deserved at the time, if I'm honest.

That's when I got your message that you'd be home again tomorrow.

***

The next morning I went back to work wishing the day would be over. Harry had left the house when I woke up. When I saw the blanket on the sofa I was afraid he hadn't slept a wink all night, but honestly, knowing how last night went, I wouldn’t be surprised.

The feeling of guilt was still in my chest, but the idea that I would see you again made it more bearable.

In the afternoon I spent a little more time than I planned in the office, finalizing projects and deadlines for clients. Luckily, when I arrived at the small cafeteria it was still open and I was able to buy your favorite cream fritters. It was a small detail and I figured you'd like them.

That's how I walked through King’s Landing, uphill to Mockingbird Street. I imagined over and over again what it would be like to see each other again, this time with no lies involved and with the opportunity to start something new.

I snuck through your doorway and called the elevator. A tingle ran through my fingers as I pressed the button anticipating our reunion. In just a few seconds, which felt like an eternity, the doorbell rang and the doors opened.

***

I hesitated a couple of times but succeeded in ringing the bell of your door. There was no turning back now.

Footsteps could be heard on the other side of the door, and then it opened. And my world shattered.

“Sansa!” A brunette woman exclaimed at the sight of me, “how long, how are you?”

I froze in place, trying to process what my eyes were seeing. The woman in the suit kept smiling at me like an old friend, but I was still unable to remember when I first met her. That's when I saw you appear from behind, your hand loosening the knot in your tie. Your lower cheek stained with lipstick.

“Myranda, what are you doing? Who is it?” You asked before looking in my direction.

I don't remember very well what happened next. Your eyes met mine and everything fell apart. I threw the box of cream fritters on the floor in a rage, splashing Myranda's shoes in white. I didn't need to know anything else.

The words went sour in my mouth screaming for me to escape and tell you everything I thought of you at that moment. But I did not. My skin turned to ice and I was proud not to shed a tear that day. Because you didn't deserve it, Petyr.

I heard your voice calling me from afar, but I was already at the end of the corridor walking down the stairs to my freedom. To freedom without you, without Harry, and without that whore Myranda.

I left _Mockingbird Street_ with no intention of coming back.

***

Robb's face flooded with questions when he opened the door. I had stopped by the apartment earlier to pick up a couple of things to spend the night with. At first, my plan was to walk around the city without rest, but fatigue and common sense won out in the end.

“You look terrible," said my older brother, giving me a hug.

“It has been a horrible day.”

The only thing I said was that I had had a bit of a fight with Harry and that we had given each other some time. A little truth in a sea of lies. I could have gone back to the apartment, but then Harry would be there, and I would have to force conversations I wasn't ready to have. 

It was a strange night. I recall falling asleep at some point, although it was difficult. Every time I closed my eyes I saw your face behind Myranda and felt a twinge in my chest. Maybe I cried, maybe not. I thanked the gods for not having to work the next morning because I was not prepared to face a normal workday, let alone if you knew where to find me.

The chaos and despair didn't go away, but I managed to suppress them. To get out of my mind and go back to being a functional adult.

The knowledge that Harry and I had broken up naturally reached my parents' ears. I wasn't in the mood to go over everything I told Robb the night before, so I reluctantly accepted my mother's call to tell them what happened before they found out from outside sources.

***

A short time later I gathered my courage and went up to Harry's apartment for the last time. I sent him a message saying that I would come by to pick up my stuff and all I got was an _ok_. Better than nothing, I guessed.

The first thing I looked for were my clothes, then the electronic devices. I'm surprised that everything was in perfect condition and not scattered or broken all over the room. When I caught you with Myranda that day, my first impulse was to break the first thing I had available. I hope the grease stains were difficult to remove from that expensive fabric. I didn't break up your apartment, but I got some small satisfaction from ruining her shoes.

Maybe Harry didn't love me? When I confessed everything to him, he didn't break anything, there was no shock, just restrained anger, and rage that radiated from all his pores. I guess everyone deals with the disappointments in their life differently.

“Are you finished?” An impatient Harry asked from the doorway.

"Yes, this is the last thing," I said, looking at my feet.

The blond man nodded, putting his hands in his pockets, “goodbye, then.”

“Goodbye.” It sounded so dry and emotionless from my lips, but there was nothing more to say. I will always carry with me the good memories I lived in that apartment, in spite of everything that happened.

A set of memories that I couldn’t keep in the weight I carried in my arms. 

***

  
  


Maybe we were never meant to be together. Maybe I was doomed to lose you.

After days at Robb's house, I managed to call my old landlord and return to my little house on the outskirts of King’s Landing, but this time to buy it definitely. 

The next few days were lonely, though full of phone calls from my brothers asking how I was doing. They helped a lot at first, but they couldn't fill the emptiness I felt in my chest.

Nothing seemed to fit. I felt like that orphaned piece of the puzzle that is alone but doesn't match any of the available holes. The worst thing wasn't that I couldn't talk to anyone. As I told you before, I always considered myself very lucky to have family and friends to turn to.

However, the last time I found Harry, and this time Harry was not there. He wasn't even going to be there.

This time I wanted you, Petyr. But I couldn't call you, I couldn't.

***

Being able to return to the small house with a garden was an opportunity I couldn't miss. A glance at each room told me that there was potential and that despite the small space, several ideas popped in my head waiting to be explored. 

For starters, the porch needed a coat of paint, and the garden was full of weeds and nettles. The next thing would be to clean each room from top to bottom and give a hand of varnish to any furniture that needed it.

With an endless list written down in my cell phone notes app, I got down to business.

It was a slow process and I spent all my free time after work on it. The garden was tedious, but with my father's help by video call and a few trips to the DIY store I ended up very satisfied with the result.

Every task, every difficulty, no matter how inconvenient, always helped me clear my mind of you. I didn't think about you when the new bed mattress arrived and I had to carry it upstairs to my room. I didn't think about you when I painted my living room white, or when I cleaned the oven so I could learn to make cupcakes.

I didn't know if everything that happened was my fault. A small voice in my head said that destiny was to blame, but what if you really were just a small page in the book of my life? A comma I had to get over?

Whatever it was looked like a bad joke to me. Because if I was never yours, nor you mine, then who am I? Maybe you were the missing piece of the puzzle but you folded me and now we can never match.

But I didn't want to be yours, Petyr I wanted to be me.

I wanted to be myself.

They say that loving yourself is the most challenging thing, and I found that I had loved myself very little.

***

Every night I stayed up a few more minutes, looking at the sky. The new telescope resting next to my window was the main reason I needed to apply a little more concealer to my dark circles in the morning.

Work was going well. The next few months were full of projects and new clients, but I still had time to have a few drinks with friends and relax decorating the little house.

My mind was free from the stress of canceling plans in case you called to see us one afternoon. Free from having to hide conversations or delete text messages from my cell phone in case Harry saw them. Free of everything and I still loved you.

If you love someone let them go, right? That's what I told myself a long time ago and for reasons, I don't understand you always ended up in my head. In the form of a ghost when I go to sleep. In the form of a light on at the end of the corridor, because you were always awake at your desk finishing some work, I would always turn off the lights and ask you to come back to bed.

We never said those three magic words to each other, but I knew they were true. I wanted them to be true. Now I realize that I was daydreaming. It was all a dream, and it couldn’t be my life.

One night I looked at my cell phone and opened one of the hundreds of unread messages I had. They were all from you. I immediately closed the app and shut down the phone. Bare feet led me to the kitchen and I took my favorite thermos to make some tea.

Tonight there were no clouds and the moon was full.

***

Something was missing.

I spent all morning looking at the office freshly decorated, appreciating how everything had turned out after all the work, but there was still something missing. It lacked life.

That's how I took the car keys and went back to the DIY store. The manager greeted me as soon as I walked in, recognizing me from all the times I had been there in the last month. I spent several minutes wandering the aisles until I found what I was looking for.

The plants' section.

Flowers of all colors welcomed me as I snuck into the area of the store that I had not yet explored. Many of the plants had name tags and the right fertilizer to take care of them, but seeing so much variety made me feel small. I had no idea where to start looking.

I would have been happy with a small plant that was easy to care for and to watch it grow little by little, occupying the space that I had grown to love so much until it became part of it. Something simple, I guess.

The manager walked around and asked me if I needed any help. I was afraid to admit that I didn't know what I was doing, so I pretended I was just looking. This seemed to satisfy the girl and she went on her way.

Between pothos and peperomias I reached the cactus area. I was amazed at the variety of species and played around with the pots, exploring. I paused to look at some small buds that barely stuck out of the substrate thinking about how long it would take them to grow.

I raised my head in search of the manager and my heart stopped.

Instead, I found some celadon eyes staring at me across the hall. You were carrying a bag of fertilizer under your shoulder that almost fell off when you saw me. I don't know how much time I spent quietly in the place, but you didn't move either. I guess you were afraid to see me run away like last time.

“Sansa.” You said taking a step forward.

It was just my name, but I hated the way it caused an almost forgotten wave of feelings in me.I threatened to step back without taking my eyes off you.

“What are you doing here?” I marveled at the emotionless tone that came from my lips. My mind denied that you were there. I just didn't understand. Because finding your "ex" in a DIY store is the most logical thing that could happen, right?. And it had to happen to me, of course.

“I’m buying fertilizer for my plants.” You explained as if it was the most obvious thing in the world, “Sansa, how are you?”

I don't know what it was, whether it was the sadness in your eyes or hearing my name again on your lips. It hurts me to think of the price I paid to hear it again.

Then I thought about how I no longer had anything to do with this story. My veins boiled over as I remembered the image of you and Myranda together. I closed my eyes trying to erase all those visions from my mind.

“Sorry, I'm in a hurry,” I apologized and turned around quickly in search of the exit.

“Wait!” I heard the sound of the compost bag falling to the ground and your footsteps behind it, “please, calm down. Let me explain everything to you.”

Your arm reached my wrist, and for the first time since that night in Robb's house, I felt the walls I built around me creak.

“I don't want to , Petyr. Let go of me.” I got rid of your hand, but the trace of your warmth stayed with me like a tingling.

“It didn't happen what you think, Sansa.”

I clenched my jaw in rage, savoring the words I always imagined I would say to you. After so long I thought you were playing me for a fool. You were both together, in your apartment, and the print of her lipstick on your cheek. No action of yours or word spoke otherwise.

But the worst thing was how humiliating and stupid I had been to remain stuck in that memory.

“I don't care, Petyr. We are two responsible adults, we can get on with our lives," I said more confidently than I felt at the time.

“Sansa, you don't understa-”

“Of course I understand," I exclaimed fiercely. I ignored the looks of the people in the store on me and the manager coming out of the corner of her eye. You stopped, waiting for my next move. Yet, despite everything against you, you had the audacity to continue.

“Sansa, please. Let me explain everything. I promise you that after I’m done you’ll never see me again.” 

It sounded tempting, to never see you again, but words have always been your favorite weapon and I was not willing to give you ammunition. Then I noticed you, your wrinkled shirt, and your disheveled hair. The dark circles under your eyes erased that youthful air you always had, and I felt a pang in my chest.

“You had your chance. If you were really with that asshole, why didn't you tell me, huh? I've never been more humiliated in my life, and you think you can fix it after that with a, _you just don't get it_?” There was something satisfying about releasing all the poison I'd been holding onto for so long. At that moment I was aware of the small audience we were attracting, but I didn't care.

“Sansa, I’m sorry. I was a complete fool.” 

“Oh, so at least we agree on that,” I turned around even more determined than before, and left the store. My footsteps rumbled through the aisles, mingling with yours up close. You were eager to continue talking, and your desperation almost stopped me.

Almost. 

The sea wind whipped my face as I walked out to the parking lot. I headed lightly to my car ignoring what you were calling me. I put my hand in my purse, stopping for a moment to find the happy car keys when a howl startled me. A coffee-brown husky tied to the side of the store door continued his howling, wagging his tail.

“Rudy, stop.”

The dog cried out in indignation one last time before stretching out to the newcomer. Your hands released the leash, freeing Rudy, who approached you with a sniff. For an instant, our eyes met.

I know you wanted to say something. My God, how long has it been since we saw each other? Were you the same person you were before? How long has it been since we gave each other the last hug, the last kiss?

  
  


Thunder rumbled in the distance. The first drops of rain brought me back to the present urging me to move again. Keys, car, house, fast. Finally, I entered the car soaking wet despite the short distance I traveled. I gave myself a couple of seconds to recover from the encounter. I don’t know when you left, but when I turned on the windshield cleaner you weren’t there.

I started the engine and soon I was escaping from that parking lot. The storm continued to rage and violent drops of water splashed endlessly against the glass of my car. It was a short trip to my little house, but streams of water flowed down the pavement, auguring a slow journey.

I couldn't get everything that had just happened out of my head. Your words, your face, everything I said to you. I repeated the conversation over and over again, thinking about what had happened. After all, telling you how much it hurt that day didn't make me feel any better.

Maybe it was the rain, maybe it was the poor visibility. Or maybe it was the result of the stress of seeing you and not being able to be with you like it was before you screwed up the reason why I didn't hit the brakes when I had to. The reason why the car in the other lane veered off a bit, invading my space and making me skate uncontrollably against the guardrail.

***

I am sitting in front of my computer trying to sort out my ideas.

I remember very few moments in my life when I have really felt what fear is. The terror that runs through your veins and persists with a mild frostbite until you can hardly breathe.

The day I called you and finally got an answer was one of the worst days of my life.

I don't expect you to remember it. It wasn't you.

I uttered your name as soon as I heard sound from the other side. The only thing I had in mind the day I saw you in the store was to ask for your forgiveness. To be able to explain to you how my thing with Myranda had been a mistake and what really happened was not what you imagined. Instead of your sweet voice, a deeper one answered.

“I'm very sorry, but I'm afraid Sansa can't answer. You see, I am a member of the ambulance in which Ms. Stark has been transferred to the hospital. The man continued to talk about the situation and as soon as he gave me the address, I started the engine of the car.

I arrived immediately.

I entered like a madman towards the emergency desk, where a kind lady indicated that you didn’t have a room because you had been taken directly to the operating room.

I trembled at the possibility that there would be a complication and I would never see you again. What would I do then? I don't know what the accident was like, only that your car and someone else's crashed because of the poor visibility on the road. It was the perfect definition of an accident, but as you left the store I was afraid that it had more to do with me than I could bear. 

_It's all my fault, my fault, my fault,_ I kept repeating over and over again.

After wandering aimlessly around the hospital, I arrived at a waiting room where I was told I could wait for you. My nerves wouldn't let me sit still for long. I walked and walked over the white tiles of the room over and over again, waiting anxiously for you to come out of one of those doors and see that you were okay. That it all had just been a nightmare.

I wish I could make you understand. To understand that I still loved you and that I never betrayed you. That it was all a misunderstanding.

_4 months earlier_

It felt good to be home. The trip from Braavos had gone smoothly. Another happy customer and another victory for my record, I guess.

Work was proving to be very methodical lately. Different clients, same problems, same concerns. It was like entering a formula into a calculator and immediately getting the desired answer.

It has always been important to keep up with the latest trends in my work, but these moments of _plateau_ where nothing changed have always been tedious for me. 

I put my suitcase down next to the sofa and let myself fall on the beige mattress of the sofa. My body was screaming for a shower and to get rid of these clothes, but my fingers went to the pocket where I kept my mobile phone. I had other priorities in mind. 

I pressed your contact in the message's app feeling a tingle in my stomach. I'm sorry for not letting you know when I left so suddenly. A colleague told me that you asked for me at the meeting the next day and I knew that after our little confrontation, it would be suspicious not to come. However, I didn't do it on purpose. I never lied to you, I want you to know that.

I sent you a message announcing that I was back and I immediately saw your excited response. I smiled like a fool at my screen, thinking about how much I had missed you. Despite our last words you wanted to see me and that was enough.

Finally, I got rid of my travel clothes and went into the shower eager to get rid of all the fatigue from the trip.

***

I'm sure you've heard of soulmates. Many times I have wondered what it must feel like to find someone like that. They say that the moments you spend with that person are special and unrepeatable.

It's a little crazy to believe that there's someone out there waiting to meet you to totally change your life. One day you start to look more closely at the people you interact with, looking for any clue as to whether they are the right ones.

But it's the little details that really change you.

One night you confessed to me that you liked to look at the stars when you were sad. You said that it calmed you down and helped you see your struggles or anything else that tormented you from another perspective. 

The next morning Tyrion burst into my office and told me I was late for a meeting. Confused, I looked at the clock on my wall and jumped out of my chair when I realized the time. Quick as lightning, I grabbed the tablet and left my office under the mocking smile of the Lannister waiting at the door.

Leaving behind the twenty telescope tabs of my computer browser alone on my desk.

***

After lunch, the bell rang in my apartment. My eyes went to my phone. It was half-past three, still too early for you, because your shift ended later.

Unsure, I went to the door and opened it.

“How are you doing Petyr? May I come in?” Myranda didn't wait for my answer and entered my apartment.

I frowned with contempt when the trail of her perfume reached my nose. There were very few reasons why Myranda decided to visit me, and I didn't like any of them. I know that the last time you saw me with her... we were together. We had just met and I wasn't very enthusiastic, but the company’s pressure to be _someone respectable_ and raise a family was growing.

The Royces were a respectable family, and the magnanimous Yohn thought it was a good idea to introduce me to his daughter.

“What the hell are you doing here? I told you not to come here anymore.”

“Petyr, darling. If you're worried that I missed you, that's certainly not why I came.”

The woman walked around the room appreciating the decoration before turning abruptly and fixing her eyes on me like a bird of prey.

“What do you want?” I wasn’t in the mood for her games, let alone today.

“I need your help.”

I raised my eyebrows in surprise. Maybe I was a little proud to think that a person like Myranda ‘ _Daddy's Little Girl_ ’ Royce needed my help. The woman ignored my expression and slowly stepped toward me.

“And what makes you think I'm going to give it to you? You didn't even tell me you were coming.”

“You and I both know that if I had said anything to you, you would have ignored me, wouldn't you?” That was true, I couldn't deny it. The sound of your heels stopped just inches away from me. There was still a certain amount of space between our faces that I was willing to keep.

“I have an important client this week and I am aware that he is interested in certain alternative substances.”

I sighed. “Myranda, you know I don't have that anymore. If you need coke or any drugs I recommend you go see someone else.”

“But, Petyr," the brunette begged, taking a step forward.

“I'm serious.” I insisted, but her hands locked me up and my back hit the wall.

“Don't lie to me. I know you still have some. Just like old times.” Her lips touched my neck and went up to my cheek, but I was able to get rid of her claws.

“No!”

“Petyr, just a little.” Myranda persisted with a pout. “It’s important.”

“I don't give a shit that it's important to you Myranda. I told you no, and if you keep this up I'm going to…”

“What are you going to do, Petey, call my father like you did last time?” The mocking smile on her face widened. “You're a filthy rat, you know that?

“It's funny you should be the one to tell me that. Now get out of my house.”

“First give me what I came for, Petey,” Myranda demanded, holding out her hand. I had to suppress a chill at the sight of the gel nails pointing in my direction. “I'm sure you still do it with innocent young girls who are spoiled by their daddy.”

“Innocent and young is not a very accurate description, Myranda, is it? I won’t argue about the spoiled part, that’s very on point”. Ignoring the daggers the brunette was sending me with her eyes, I abruptly turned my back on her, determined to end this waste of my time.

“I'm going to see if I have anything, don’t touch anything!” I indicated by raising my finger. I'm not very proud of it, but it's true that I still had a little 'stardust', as they call it in the company. I remember that Joffrey was an enthusiast of this substance and it was always good to be cautious and have stock, lest the young scrawny lion go crying to his rich parents because he couldn't get high with his friends.

A satisfied expression spread across Myranda's face. “You know what a good girl I am, Petey, I'm not going to do anything.”

I grimaced and pretended to remember an important detail before I went into my office, “by the way, it's going to cost you.” Twice as much for being so desperate. A more than fair commission for having broken into my apartment without being invited.

“Petyr!”

“These things are not free, my dear," I said mockingly before disappearing behind the door.

***

A few minutes later the bell rang again as a heavenly sign.

I was rummaging through the drawers when I heard it, and I dropped what I had in my hands and ran to the entrance hall. I heard Myranda's footsteps in the distance and cursed underneath as I heard her singing voice answer the door.

_No, no, no, no, no._

“Myranda, what are you doing? Who is it?” I asked, loosening my tie a little after walking the length of my apartment in the blink of an eye.

Looking over Myranda's shoulder I found your eyes, sapphire blue and blurred by the contained tears. In a split second, I felt the world fall down on me. I wanted to say something, anything. I wished that you’d wait a moment so I could tell you that it was all a misunderstanding, but you threw the box with the cream fritters on the floor and sprinted to the elevator.

“Sansa, wait!”

I shouted your name and tried to go after you, but a claw in my chest prevented me from doing so. “You're not leaving here until you give me what I came for.”

“Fuck you, Myranda,” I spat at her with a jerk, but his hand persisted on my shirt.

“That bitch just destroyed my _L_ _ouboutins_ , so either you give me the coke or I tell Catelyn you're fucking her daughter.”

I felt my chest swell trying to control my anger. I don't know what gave me away, normally I have a good poker face, but Myranda continued to restrain me with a winning smile.

“I'm not fucking…”

“Seriously Petyr? I know how perverted you are, I've always seen how you looked at Sansa at all those parties and family gatherings. Do you think I'm blind?”

“Fuck, Myranda, shut up!”

“You know my family is friends with the Starks and has a better reputation than you do. They'll believe me over you no matter what a _brother_ you are to Catelyn, so fuck you Petyr. Give me the fucking coke!”

I took the damn plastic bag out of my pocket and stamped it on her hand, eager to end this nightmare.

“Here, now get the fuck out of here. I never want to see your face in my life again, do you hear me?”

The woman kept her prize and with a mocking smile added, " A pleasure doing business with you, Petey.

“Go to hell, you crazy bitch.” I yelled at her, slamming the door.

I immediately jumped up to the table and grabbed my mobile phone dialing your number. I prayed and prayed that you would answer but all I got was your voicemail. I put my hands on my head and screamed in anger.

I couldn't end it all like that, it just couldn't happen.

The worst thing was to close my eyes and see yours crying and full of rage. Every time I blinked I saw them, that night after calling you and going to the café where we had our first date, after searching endlessly for you on the nights of King’s Landing. That night I saw them again, again and again, chasing me into madness.

***

It was even more stupid what I did afterward, honestly.

Lost and not knowing where to go, the next day I gathered my courage and went to your apartment. Don't worry, I had an excuse to tell the wonderful Harry if I met him, because you were still with him. Part of me didn't understand how you reacted to seeing Myranda when you were in a serious relationship and I wasn't.

I was always jealous of Harry, and every time I saw you walking out the door of my apartment knowing that you were going home to him I went crazy.

I didn't understand anything until Harry opened the door. I must confess that I didn't expect him to be so tall, nor in such a bad state. He looked like he had been hit by a truck several times, and the dark circles under his eyes made his light skin look ghostly. Although I am the least suitable person to judge the appearance of others considering that I hadn’t slept a wink the night before either. 

“Is Sansa here?” I asked hopefully.

Harry looked up and down at me and frowned.

“Is it you?” 

“I am who?” I answered confused.

“Is it you? The one that bitch has been cheating on me with?”

Unlike the day before, this time I swear I stood my ground. I was tempted to fall down and respond to him after hearing how he had referred to you, but I think getting arrested is not one of my favorite pastimes. 

“Kid, I don't know what you're talking about. I’m only here because Sansa has to give me back a flash drive that I lent her at work.” Yes I know, It's a stupid excuse, but it sounded wonderful in my head.

Harry's face darkened. With a speed I didn't expect from such a big person, he grabbed me by the collar of my shirt and yanked me around. I tried to shake him off, but his grip was lethal.

“Oh yeah? Did you _stick_ the flash drive in her at work too, huh?”

“Let go of me," I exclaimed, digging my nails into the flesh of his arm, but it didn't seem to affect him in the least.

“You think you're so smart! You come here to gloat in my face," with a push, he released me. I put my hands to my neck, feeling a slight discomfort, but nothing more.

“Wait.” Something changed in Harry's face, and soon he was at my side again but this time not to strangle me, though I cringed anyway as he approached. “I'm sorry, I'm really sorry. I shouldn't have done that. I didn't mean to. I don't know who you are and well... Sansa's not here. I don't know what she told you, but she hasn't been here since last night.”

For a moment there was something in me that empathized with the broken young man in front of me. After all, you had abandoned us both, and as much as it pained me, I understood him. Then I remembered the feel of his hands on my neck and changed my mind.

“Do you know where she is?”

The boy shook his head and collapsed at my feet, “I don't know. She left yesterday and…” I thought my humiliation that day couldn't get any worse until I heard his voice crack, and the young man began to cry inconsolably.

Great.

“She said she had a place to go, but not which one. Not that I cared at the time. I can't call her. She won't return my calls.”

“Well, I'm sure she's fine," I said emotionlessly in a futile attempt to reassure Harry. I looked back at the elevator calculating how long it would take me to get there before the guy realized that yes, I was actually the man Sansa had cheated him on with.

“I think I'd better get going,” I announced seconds later, leaving a broken Harry curled on the floor. 

***

The following days were difficult.

The worst was your silence. Trying to call you and getting no response. The good news was that I hadn't received any death threats from Cat or your father, so I inferred that as awful as Myranda was, she had been true to her word. Something surprisingly unusual, if you know what I mean.

Did you really abandon Harry that day, for me?

I remember all the times we argued. All the times I insisted that sooner or later you had to take the first step. After so many promises and words, you kept your part of the bargain and I feel like a fool.

Why didn't you tell me anything?

It was all so simple and yet so disastrous. If only I had been able to call you that day a little earlier, before preparing my lunch for example. Before I went to take a shower. A simple message, a missed call. Anything at all.

Months passed and I lost hope of seeing you again.

***

_ Present _

“She has several broken ribs and hemothorax, but the worst thing is that in addition to the collision she has separated a small segment of the chest wall that we need to stabilize immediately. We have put her on mechanical ventilation for the time being. The good news is that there is no sign of head trauma. She was disoriented when she arrived at the emergency room, but it doesn't look like there are any further complications, are you a family member?”

I blinked a couple of times processing all the information before blurting out a weak, "I'm a friend of the family.”

The doctor looked me up and down before tucking the informed consent papers under her arm. “I'm afraid you can't sign this then, I need a family member or relative to take over.”

I swallowed, feeling my chest constrict. I wanted to scream that I was perfectly aware of what was going on and that you wouldn't object to me signing it for you. Reluctantly I pulled out my mobile phone and called Catelyn.

Sometime later Robb arrived, embarrassed, asking for you. I explained the situation and how you had been taken to the operating room. All we could do was wait. After signing the consent papers, your brother slumped down on one of the seats holding his hands to his head.

“Do you know what the accident was like?”

I recited from memory what the ambulance chief had told me: "A car swerved from the opposite lane and hit Sansa. It was raining heavily, the poor visibility and wet road caused her to lose control before crashing into the guardrail.”

“When-when did this happen?”

“A couple of hours ago.”

Robb insisted I go home, but I refused to leave you. I thought if I left your side I'd lose you again. I assured your brother that I was fine, that he shouldn't worry, even though deep down I could feel an icy pit forming in my stomach.

My mobile phone vibrated with a thousand calls. Some were from Catelyn, others from work, and after pacing the hallway for the thirty-fourth time, a nurse came out with news of you.

***

You were sleeping when they finally let me into your room. Your chest danced up and down slowly, aided by a respirator. Skin, matted with bruises, peeked out from under the light sheets. I wanted to run to your side. To remove all the wires that tied you to the hospital bed and hold you in my arms, even though it would have been a little uncomfortable with the neck brace you were wearing.

I was thankful again for the ambulance to arrive on time. More than once I imagined your lifeless body on the road, bathed in a pool of blood. The rain rinsed your wounds, but it was not enough and they opened and opened and...

You looked so small, so fragile. Summoning up my courage, I removed a few strands of hair from your forehead. Despite everything that had happened that day, your face was at peace. I spent the rest of my visit at your side, watching your vital signs on the monitor, telling you how sorry I was. How much I had missed you. I didn't care that you wouldn't forgive me, or hear my side of the story. At that moment, all those worries seemed insignificant to me. All the months of waiting, of torturing myself thinking about what had happened, became insignificant.

They were worthless. 

Because you had to recover. 

***

It was confusing to wake up in an unfamiliar room. I felt my mouth dry and a discomfort in my throat. I swallowed hard, but it was even worse. 

My right side complained when I tried to sit up and I had no choice but to slump back down on the mattress, which was not a good idea, because I hurt my neck in the process.

Best to stay still, I thought.

Some time later a nurse came to check on me. Moments after that, when I was about to panic because no one would explain anything to me, my brother's head appeared behind the glass of the door. Robb told me how you had been with me all night since I arrived in the ambulance. He said you'd stop by again later, something about having to go home to change and check on Rudy.

I barely remember what happened after the collision. I know I slammed on the brakes and lost control of the car until I crashed, but the blow must have knocked me unconscious. Luckily, except for a small neck brace, I had no serious injuries, but my ribs…

My ribs burned every time I breathed.

After talking to my mom and reassuring the whole family that I was okay, Robb gave me a break and I was able to sleep a little longer until the doctor arrived. It was hard to follow the conversation with my whole body shrieking at me every time I tried to move. I hated lying there unable to fend for myself and despite my brother's warnings, I didn't think I would be able to lie still for a few more days.

  
  


***

I woke up, but didn't open my eyes. Your voice was chatting with a nurse about the meal schedule. You kept repeating that I was allergic to peanuts and she kept telling you that they were aware of it.

There were a few footsteps in my direction and I noticed how my heart was racing. It's funny how your presence alone was able to affect me. I heard the sound of you sitting down on the couch and sighing in exhaustion. For an instant, I was tempted to open my eyes, but something stopped me. A knot tightened in my chest making me panic irrationally.

“I'm sorry.”

Your words took me by surprise. Without realizing it, I slowly cracked open my eyelids. You were sitting next to me, but your gaze remained lost on the floor. For a moment I thought you were going to continue.

You brought your hands to your face in anguish. I noticed the tears welling up in my eyes and I couldn't stand it any longer. Making an effort, I turned in your direction and extended my arm. The sound of the sheets must have alerted you, because your face went instantly from disbelief to relief. 

“Sansa,” you took my hand, clinging to it like a castaway. I caressed your rough cheek, unable to hold my tears back.

“Ssssssh, it's okay. It's okay, sweetling.”

I didn't know what to say. I couldn't look at your face and bear the way you looked at me. As if everything were back to the way it used to be. It was a small lie I could take refuge in for the moment, I thought. It had taken me a long time, but deep down I understood that I had missed you. I missed the warmth of your embrace and the love of your kisses. 

I wanted to tell you, but all I could utter was a dry cough that made my throat burn. You brought me a glass of water and never left my side. You told me about how I got to the hospital, about your fear of thinking I would never come back, that you were too late. 

“I thought I had lost you, but then I got here and they told me you were in surgery and... I feared the worst.”

I took your hand in mine and something in you relaxed. It was as if a great weight had been lifted off your shoulders. After a while you brought the back of my hand to your lips, causing my heart to race a little faster.

***

Arriving at the little house was strange.

When I heard you leave the suitcase in the living room I knew it meant something. I couldn't escape from you anymore, you had just entered my domain, the shelter I built for myself after leaving Harry's house.

“Petyr, there's no need, really. I'm not so bad, I entered the house by my own feet.”

“Your own feet and a pair of crutches," you replied with a sly smile.

It wasn't easy, but I made it up to the second floor after insisting that I didn't need your help to get to my room. My neck was torture, but I knew how to keep my composure and avoid worrying you, even though something in your eyes told me you knew I was lying.

You said you just wanted to help, that you needed someone to help you while I was recovering. I won't deny that I didn't feel a small flutter in my stomach when I got into your car on the way out of the hospital. 

What do you do in this situation? What to do when you invite your ex-lover to live for a while while you recover from a car accident is not common knowledge. 

I showed you the living room and the sofa bed where you could leave your suitcase. Only this weekend you promised, and I nodded trying to convince myself it was for the best. I didn't like being trapped, and your stubbornness and my temper made an enough interesting duo for the two of us. 

Late in the afternoon, you walked through the door with Rudy. The husky was wagging his tail happily exploring the unfamiliar territory, moving among the furniture and completely ignoring the redhead who was looking at his owner with eyes like saucers.

You shrugged. “I couldn't leave him alone.”

I don't know what it was, whether it was the painkillers or the uncertainty of the current situation, but I let out a laugh and couldn't stop. You looked at me incredulously, not understanding what was so funny about the scene. I shook my head and leaned back as best I could on the couch, opening my book where I left it the last time.

This was going to be fun.

***

“When I found him, they were about to run him over,” you said as Rudy approached me on the couch. The brown husky sniffed my hand and sat down across from me. His eyes were riveted on my dinner, begging for a bite. Noticing the situation you intervened. “Rudy, no. You've already eaten,” you chuckled affectionately. The dog let out a wailing howl and went to curl up next to the fireplace.

“What happened next?”

  
  


I heard you sigh before the small clank as you set the dinner plate on the table. You moved out of your chair a little sheepishly, without taking your eyes off the furry animal curled up on the floor.

“His owner abandoned him, possibly at a gas station. It's very common, unfortunately," you began with a lost look, "I was very scared when I got out of the car, I thought he was going to attack me. I feared he had been in the sun too long. He was dehydrated. I don't know how, but I managed to wrap him in one of my jackets and take him to the first vet I could.”

“When did you find him?”

“Almost four months ago.” You didn't say it out loud, but the message was clear. Four months ago, after our _breakup_. I shook my head mentally, I still wasn't clear on what we were, but the feelings I thought were gone were knocking louder and louder at my door and I was afraid to let them in.

I noticed how the conversation reached an impasse, so I distracted myself with what was left of dinner and watching TV. You were sitting next to me on the small couch, but far enough that I couldn't reach you. Too far.

“I like what you've done with the house," you remarked, your eyes traveling around the room, avoiding mine. “It's a lot of work.”

“Thank you, it was almost therapeutic," I replied with a shy smile, "It got to the point where it became an obsession," I didn't want to relive how in just one night, I was left without Harry and without you. In the blink of an eye, everything I trusted and loved fell apart and it was all my fault.

When I finished, you helped me pick everything up and after much insistence, I took your advice and sat on the couch. The truth was that my whole body ached, but I didn't want to feel like an invalid in my own home.

Without saying a word, I got up as best I could with the help of my crutches. You were still busy in the kitchen whistling to the music on the radio. Taking my chance, I limped to the entrance where my telescope was waiting for me just as I had left it the last time. Before I could react, Rudy slipped between my legs and came out into the garden with me where we were greeted by a starry night.

***

“I can see why you like it here.”

I turned my head away from the telescope eyepiece at the sound of your voice. You were standing under the door frame with two mugs in your hand and a lazy smile on your lips. My cheeks burned as you approached.

“Today is a very good night to see the sky," I said, accepting one of the mugs, smelling the subtle honey and lemon scent of the tea before I took the first sip. I looked down at my feet avoiding your eyes, I didn't want to fall into them again, I knew it was an inevitable battle and I didn't want to lose before I started.

_Who am I kidding?_

“May I look?”

I nodded and watched as you crouched toward the eyepiece. You struggled for a while until you finally gave up. “How does it work? I can't see anything.”

“You have to turn the little wheel on the side to focus. That one, right there.” I pointed. As I saw you continue to struggle, I approached with difficulty. A small step got in my way making me lose my balance, but you were there to hold me. My arm grabbed yours laying all my weight on you. I was afraid of tearing your shirt, but you held on. You always hold on.

“Thank you,” I murmured, feeling a flutter in my stomach. I looked up and it was a mistake, a mistake because your face was so close and so were your lips. Your eyes were watching mine and for a moment I thought you were going to do it, you were going to close the distance but you hesitated.

“Look, is it focus now?" you asked, averting your gaze.

Becoming aware again of what was going on around me, I leaned towards the eyepiece and looked through the telescope. I couldn't help myself and smiled. “Yeah, that's good. Hopefully, if we turn it a little bit we can…”

I wrestled with the thing for a while looking for the perfect position. I heard you step back to give me space, but I took your hand to indicate that you didn't have to. “Look, that bright spot is Mars. You can see it very well this time of year.”

I stepped back to let you have a look. You turned the wheel slightly to adjust the lens as I taught you and then you saw it.

“It's like a flickering coppery dot,” you said in amazement.

I smiled amused at your surprise, “Very faintly, yes.”

It was like watching a little kid with a new toy. I went on to show you how to see some constellations and when the next star shower could be seen. You were always attentive, and asking so many questions that I almost ended up with a headache. Although if I'm honest I think that was my neck’s fault, which was still bothering me.

At one point in the night, Rudy came over and curled up next to me. I moved my hand closer, stroking the husky's dense fur. The animal relaxed, lifting his head for me to stroke behind his ears. I couldn't suppress a small smile as I saw how happy he was, his little tail wagging all the time.

  
  


“Oh no, now he'll be sad when we have to leave and he'll be crying for a week.”

“Just like his owner,” I answered teasingly, “It seems to be true that owners look like their pets.”

“That's because he has good taste, don’t you, Rudy?”

I felt my cheeks flush for the umpteenth time tonight. I was too comfortable here with you. It seemed like a lie that a few hours ago I was about to ask you to leave, that it would have been the best thing to do, for both of us.

  
  


I curled up in the blanket holding the cup of tea between my fingers. I wish I knew what was going through your mind at that moment. The invisible wall between us seemed to be standing, but perhaps small cracks had appeared.

“Sansa, I…” You paused, bringing your hands to your face.

“Petyr.”

“No, please go on.” You said insistently. “I didn't want to interrupt.”

But I couldn't say anything. I was frozen in the moment with a thousand thoughts crossing my mind, but I was unable to express any of them. I saw you hold your breath and after a few seconds just when I thought it was time, we jumped.

“I'm sorry.”

“I'm sorry,” you repeated.

“I know.” I took your hand in mine and brought it to my lips. Still, you shook your head.

“No, Sansa. It was all a misunderstanding.”

“Petyr.” Seeing that you were not reassured, I placed my hand on your cheek, forcing you to look at me. Grey eyes met sapphire and I heard you gasp. “It's all right.”

Time seemed to stop. You finally calmed down. Still silent, you closed your hand in mine. Despite the cold, it was warm, fighting against the October night breeze.

“What am I to you?”

It was a whisper, but I heard it. I closed my eyes fighting the lump in my throat. I had no answer to your question. No matter how hard I thought, my mind came up blank. What I was sure of was what I wanted you to be. 

“You are someone I can trust and love madly,” I confessed, leaving a soft kiss on your cheek.

“I don't deserve it.”

“Neither do I.” That made you stand up suddenly.

“It's not true.”

“Petyr…” I wanted to tell you to stop talking nonsense, but you wouldn't let me.

“Let me, please. Let me try one more time. We can start over again.” The murmur of the wind invaded the silence, bringing the sea with it. I wrapped my arms around your waist, resting my head on your shoulder.

“I've tried, believe me I've tried,” It was ironic to think of all the sleepless nights I swore not to say the words I said next, “but I can't imagine a future without you.”

***

I still remember the afternoon I wanted to tell you. I spent the whole day with a silly smile on my face. The sea was shining with the full moon and it was a warm summer night. It was time, everything was ready, only you were missing. Some time later you arrived and I had no choice but to hide a smile when I saw you crossing the door of the restaurant. _Okay_ , _it's all_ _right_. _Everything will be fine_ , I said to myself.

Even though I had spent the afternoon planning everything down to the last detail, I was nervous. What if you didn't think it was a good idea? What if you didn't like the restaurant? You were very picky about the food, maybe you wanted to change. Even the smallest detail made me doubt. Taking a deep breath, I calmed down and greeted you with a smile.

The meal passed without any unforeseen events. You told me a little about work and how your latest project was going. At dessert I knew the time was near. I don't know if my face gave me away, but noticing that the conversation had reached an impasse I cleared my voice.

“Petyr, I have something important to do and I need your opinion.”

As subtly as I could I pulled a small dark box out of my bag and placed it on the table. I wish you could have seen your reaction. The only response I gave you was a playful smile and a promise that you wouldn't regret it. Timidly, you took the little box in your hands.

“Sansa, I…”

“Open it and tell me.” I cut you off before you could make any objections.

You listened to me and lifted the lid. Your face lit up, erasing all the doubts that had been looming in my head.

“Petyr Baelish, will you do me the honor of moving in with me?”

“I do.” You declared, accepting the silver key from the little box. “Of course I do.”

I couldn't hold it back and jumped out of my seat to throw myself into your arms. Immediately I found your lips merging with mine. When we parted I knew I did the right thing, that it was one more small step towards our future that I wanted so badly to take. Because I didn't want to be with anyone else. 

We left the restaurant on a cloud. I felt like I was floating as I rode in your car, and the ground made me dizzy as you kissed me again much more eagerly than before. Your taste intoxicated my senses, I was completely under your spell and I didn't want to stop you. I couldn't imagine the days without you.

Starry nights were a thousand times better by your side.

They still are.


End file.
